drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
