answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
