Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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