I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
