So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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