I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
