I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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