Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
