Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
