Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
