It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
