we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
