Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
