i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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