Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she peed on how many people?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
