You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
