I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Me too!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
