I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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