you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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