Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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