i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
