Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
