the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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