If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
