just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
