I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
