I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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