I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
