I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
