official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
