I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
