I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
