I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
