You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
