He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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