now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
