You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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