there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
