70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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