I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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