So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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