HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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