apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
