Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
