Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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