so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
