You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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