I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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