sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
