Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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