since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize