you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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