yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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