I just gift wrapped bread.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't turn off my feet"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
