Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
