1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
