At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
