your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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