If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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