so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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