I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
