You can't special order awesome
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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