Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
