I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
