I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
