god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the day after is always just damage control
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
