I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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