He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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