I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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