He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize