Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
