I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
