just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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