i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
